The news of her death has hit me hard. Of course the normal thoughts ran through my mind: When did I see her last? (I believe I ran into her randomly sometime when I was home from college), when did I talk to her last? (sometime on facebook) what memories do I have of her? (there aren't too many- she was best friends with the sister of my highschool boyfriend), but what has hit me hardest is understanding why and how this could have happened? It sounds all so cliche, and yet the hurt is really real.
I almost feel bad saying that word- hurt. How can I hurt after losing a girl I barely knew? If I call what I feel hurting, then what do you call the intense grief that her friends and family are experiencing?
I don't know how to process tragic loss. I can say I've become an expert at dealing with my grief, but my loss was not tragic. My mom's death took almost 7 years, and while I was in denial for all but 1 week of the process, it was still a process. This was instantaneous.
One of the most tragic aspects of the social networking world is when, after a death, messages are posted to someone's facebook or myspace page. It breaks my heart to read the personal conversations shared between friends and familes to the deceased. But one of the advantages is the memorial pages that pop up within hours of someone's passing. There friends can bond together, share memories, post pictures and begin the grieving proceoss.
On Janet's memorial page on facebook, I've seen "answers" to my unspoken questions: How could this have happened? (we will never know why, but we know she's with the Lord) How can people heal? (prayer, scriptures) How do you go on? (we'll see her in Heaven someday) and while I disregard the messages from outsiders (just being honest...but they don't know what else to say) and admire the faith of those who did know her, I don't feel comforted by those responses.
She may be in heaven and may be joined by her friends and family someday- but for many of them, they have a lifetime of living without her ahead of them. Yes, we can "rejoice" that she is "healed," but what about the life that was cut short? And those left behind to deal with their unthinkable grief...
Today I am hurting- hurting that tomorrow my life isn't going to be affected in any way and hurting for those whose lives are forever changed.
