time-travel

well.. it's 12:07 am on a blustery thurs. evening and I should be in bed, but instead I've stalked people online for the last 2 hours. (with Cindy by myside, ever so often snuggling up against me).

Today it wasn't until 2:30 that I remembered my mom died. I was writing up an order for one of our vendors and it just hit me that she's gone. I forget for all those hours before hand.. how is that possible?

I've forgotten this fall- i was reminded tonight of when my grandfather tripped down the steps after reading from the Bible at my mom's funeral... I don't really remember that... I don't remember the man who played classical guitar... I don't remember what we did in the 2 hours we spent with my mom's body after she died... I do remember her viewing, and I'll never forget the look of death.

So how can i go halfway through my day without thinking that she's gone? "That's a good thing." No it's not.... I'm numb tonight...

I'm a little girl and a woman at the same time.. I want to get married, yet want to be 15 again.. I want to live the last 7 years over- I want to tell my mom, on the day she decided she was at peace with dying, that I wasn't... that I wasn't okay with it.. I want to beg her not to leave.. there I go, one little measly tear for her.. maybe i'm not so dead inside.

I have her hands... I'm reminded of her everytime I look at them. They're dry and red and have lots of veins, and sometimes they swell so much I can't wear my rings... but I love them because sometimes when I touch them I remember when I held her hand in the hospital before she died...... and when I held her plastic-like hand in the casket... with her favorite red nail polish painted on her fingers.

I'm ready to wake up... and I can't seem to accept that this is really real.. "I need you so much closer... so come on..."